I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
