Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
