I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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