She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize