Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
