I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
