You just made me feel so damn special
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
