HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
