I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
