I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
