I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just fell off a train. Bad.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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