I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize