38 yer olds are good kisserssss
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
