Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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