The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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