Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
