I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
