Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize