I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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