3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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