At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
