i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
