and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she peed on how many people?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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