He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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