Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
