This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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