i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
