I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
