Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
