either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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