I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
