sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
