I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
