Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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