Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
