dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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