Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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