You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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