Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
