When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
