How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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