Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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