ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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