its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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