Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
