Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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