he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Hippo gnu deer
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
