ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
