My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
