Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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