At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
