he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
